The effects of paternal influence on children can last for decades. Take Joshua. When he was a little boy, he often witnessed his parents engage in bitter, loud confrontations.
Sometimes, their arguments would set his father’s physical violence in motion. Consequently, Joshua absorbed his father’s violent behaviour towards his mother as the normal way for a man to treat a woman.
“I learned that a man must be in control of women. And that the best way to gain that control was by confronting them, scaring them and hurting them – just as my father did,” says Joshua, a clerk at a law-firm.
“I have been in three relationships. All have broken due to my violent temperament. Even though I try to suppress it, I always seem to want to have my way, shouting and kicking. It’s either my spouses shape up or I use my fists to shape them up.”
Joshua is currently seeing a behavioural-change psychologist in Nairobi.
Shape positive views
Not surprisingly, a large number of physically abusive men were themselves raised in abusive families. And girls are not immune to parental influence either.
According to counselling psychologist Timothy Njogu, “the way men treat their wives carries a lot of influence on how their daughters view and approach men and relationships later on in adult life.”
Angela Wanjugu attests to this. She has long held a pessimistic view of men from the way her father treated her mother. “Our home was like a war-zone,” says the single-mother of two.
“My mother never knew peace or love. She was always on the run from my father’s mistreatment. I wouldn’t want that kind of life.”
As a result, Angela has given marriage a wide berth. Ironically, she is a parent too, and her perception might impact her children’s views.
Teach consciously
Damaris Kamau, a child therapist at Maranatha College of Professional Studies, observes that children in surroundings where emotional and physical violence are common tend to take up such habits.
“Children naturally adopt ideas and concepts that shape their self-esteems from their immediate families first. Once the violent behaviour takes root, it grows and becomes difficult to dislodge.
“The stronger ones become bullies and try to vent out their frustrations on others. The weaker ones tend to take sides, become overly anxious or blaming themselves for their parents’ conflicts.”
To nip future violence in the bud, parents should demonstrate the ethical, moral, social and religious values they wish to impart.
For Joseph Kariuki and Miriam Wanjiru, parents to six-year-old Wesley Ndung’u, real-life experiences have been extremely beneficial in providing social values.
“Events in our neighbourhood and examples from nature have provided an excellent opportunity to illustrate the human condition as well as social and religious values to our son,” says Joseph.
Also, small children particularly benefit from real-life lessons. As Miriam will tell you, the assimilation of these lessons results in a solid and stable character.
Different roles
“Wesley is very observant of the way we do things, treat each other, and treat him. The other day, for instance, I had him saying ‘pole’ to another child in the neighbourhood, something we practise in our home.”
Damaris advises that children be intentionally protected from their parents’ emotional conflicts.
“While it is natural for any couple to argue, they shouldn’t do it in front of their young ones. Such confrontations easily turn into a demonstration of the way arguments should be played out,” she opines. The roles of each parent in child development are distinctive and different.
The mother usually interacts with her children in a more verbal fashion. She is more practical in teaching how to do things.
On the other hand, the father advances his children’s physical and motor development. Whereas mothers hold an upper hand in their children’s behavioural development, fathers too have a part to play.
Damaris observes that children who directly interact with their fathers tend to be more responsible, get along better with other children, do better in education, and exhibit fewer behavioural deficiencies in their adulthood than the children who do not bond with their fathers.
“Fathers should offer themselves more to their children. Helping with homework, for example, can be a chance to impart human values. This will have immense influence on how that child sees and values people.”
Source: http://www.nation.co.ke
