Would you? My serial cheat of a girlfriend wants me to marry her
I am deeply stressed because of my relationship. I met my girlfriend in university. From the start, she regularly communicated with her ex-boyfriend, even though I had told her to end the relationship. She ended up cheating on me with him, got pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. Later, she came to me and begged for forgiveness and asked me to take her back. I did, only for her to revive her relationship with the ex and get pregnant again. Again, she begged for my forgiveness and even agreed to get an abortion. But the issue with her ex was far from over. In fact, he once called me and threatened to have me arrested for “stealing his wife and child”. She has since given birth to our child and is set to graduate this year. During the pregnancy, I learnt that she cheated on me with another man. Now she is insisting that I forgive her and marry her. Help me because her parents know me and they are good people, but when I think about what she has done, it drives me crazy.
Hi,
I would like to start by addressing a few key issues necessary in lasting relationships. The first is faithfulness.
From your email, it is clear that your girlfriend cannot be trusted. She has lied to you several times yet you keep giving her the benefit of doubt.
What guarantee do you have that she will change this time round? She is unable to keep her promises and you are unable to put together a plan to help her overcome her challenges.
Second, relationships require accountability. I doubt she is capable of this – both of you in fact lack a sense of accountability.
None of you is truly responsible and accountable. I also find it strange that she would tell you that she loves you and then cheat on you when you turn your back; then when you find out, she apologises. Sorry without accountable behaviour is useless.
Third, there is more to marriage than sex. If one of you were paralysed waist down, what would happen to your relationship?
Intimacy should be grounded on respect, faithfulness and accountable behaviour. Your problem is that you keep falling for sex all the time.
VALUE SYSTEM
I am certain that the two of you have very little in common when it comes to what you value.
Sharing partners, lying and moving on with life as though nothing happened makes for a sorry future.
Since she has your child, she definitely needs support and help to decide what is good for her.
If the child is not yours, both of you have to decide what happens to him. Do remember, this is an innocent child that never asked to be conceived.
That said, the question you really have to answer to get out of the dilemma you face is whether you have faith in this relationship’s future.
Do you see her as a part of your life in the future? If so, is she genuinely willing to permanently cut off the infectious links that affect your relationship and rebuild accountable behaviour based on the core values of a lasting relationship?
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I would like to get married to him, but he’s painfully lazy
Hello Kitoto,
I am a 23-year-old in a relationship that is a year and a half now. We are a happy couple. And even though I would like to get married to him one day, he is a lazy guy who cannot wake up before 9am. I’m confused.
Hi,
Laziness is a luxury that one cannot afford in a marriage, and in life in general.
However, you have not given me enough to understand the extent of his laziness. Let’s assume all he does is sit home all day and watch TV and does not look for a job.
If this is the case, then you are in trouble. The Bible says that he who does not work should not eat.
If you are sleeping together, this has to stop. Step back and be clear about what you want in a relationship.
Second, communicate what you would like in your relationship and from him, make it clear that you will not support a lazy man.
I also suggest that you consider the fact that he could be going through an issue that needs intervention, perhaps from an older person he respects.
If this is the case, I suggest that you get help before you make a decision regarding the direction your relationship will take.
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I love my boyfriend, but he is stingy and won’t commit
Hello Kitoto,
I am a single mom who has been dating this man for about three years. Although I want to marry him, I do not trust him. There are things he does that really annoy me. For instance, he can’t commit financially and keeps postponing whatever we decide to do. He has also refused to see my parents; all I hear are promises of marriage. He is polite and hard-working but keeps all his money to himself. He can’t even pay a term’s fee for my son. What he is good at is being unreasonable and possessive and always wants me to be with him. My son likes him a lot.
Hi there,
Three issues arise: the fact that your boyfriend refuses to get to know your parents, he is stingy and also possessive.
I think you should be thankful for the fears you have and unresolved conflict because they could be a blessing in disguise.
You should marry a man you trust and believe in, a man that you can depend on. What really makes a relationship thrive?
As I think about the answer to this question, what is clear is that you need to make some fast decisions before you waste a lot of time on a relationship that is leading nowhere.
First, you cannot build your marriage on empty promises. If the lies really bother you, then you need to expose them.
If he does not see the importance of taking your relationship to another level by visiting your parents and making his intentions known, and also using his resources to support your relationship, then you have cause for concern.
BE FIRM
From what I can see, you are already disappointed. As long as you do not communicate what you want in a firm manner and take a stand, you will continue getting disappointed.
You also need to ask yourself whether there is really anything worth waiting for. This man is of no benefit to your son, who likes him.
You can’t continue staying with a man who is indecisive. Your future is important and it can happen without him.
You have a child to raise; you do not need to entangle yourself with someone that does not add value to your life and value what you hold dear.
Do you have a relationship question? Email DN*@ke.com
By PHILIP KITOTO
Source-nation.co.ke
