Your one-stop gossip shop has over the years witnessed happenings some of which border on the bizarre.

Recently, a local mchungaji (pastor) was moistening his throat after a lengthy battle with the devil from the  pulpit.

The shouting had made his loud voice hoarse, so he ordered for a concoction to mend his distended vocal cords and balance the PH in his mouth.

I gave him a cup spiked with cinnamon, chamomile and ginger. He knocked back two cups in quick succession, and began testing his vocal cord as he nodded his head as if to confirm the effectiveness of the remedy.

However, unbeknown to him, a self-proclaimed witchdoctor was out searching for him over an outstanding debt his wife owed him. The witchdoctor is only known as Madevu, perhaps because of his long and scraggly beard. A naughty patron with a twisted sense of humour at the cafe joked that Madevu must have been a relative of the late Jonas Savimbi. Unknown to most of us, Madevu and the servant of the lord were enemies by default.

dark spirits

The two served masters who have been at loggerheads since the beginning of time. Madevu was a medicine man who insisted on being addressed as a witchdoctor and derived his powers from dark spirits, whereas Mchungaji’s job was guiding the masses towards the light.

The two had never spoken a word to each other. Locals were satisfied that though there was no love lost, harmony was observed at all times. Madevu, who had been searching for the pastor all day long, eventually stumbled upon him at Kahawa Tungu, where he was relaxing and sipping coffee, after fixing his throat.

Interestingly, Madevu had tagged along a bunch of hecklers who did not want to miss the action when the fireworks began to fly. They soon filled up the place and orders were streaming in left, right and centre.

The two adversaries sized up each other before Madevu approached the table where the pastor was sitting, and politely requested to see him outside to ‘discuss business’. Now, the man had heard of sinners who wanted to repent but never a self-confessed enemy of the Lord ordering a servant of the Lord around.

Summoning lightning

“Get behind me, thou Satan!” he declared in a loud voice. “The only business we can discuss will be me banishing you to purgatory,” the pastor informed Madevu in a way that was meant to embarrass him.

Madevu, with bloodshot eyes, lifted a bony finger from beneath the sleeves and shook it towards heaven, as if summoning lightning or some other unseen power. The entire place fell silent. In a very cool voice he announced, “The fee! I have come to collect the fee. It must be paid!” he roared to the servant of the Lord.

“I don’t hire your type so how can you collect a fee from me?” the pastor asked derisively.

“Maybe you don’t, but your wife does. I am the force behind your ‘happy’ marriage and for that I must get paid my dues. “I have been supplying your wife with love potions and consultancy services that hold your marriage together! But she has reneged on our payment agreement,” the witchdoctor hissed.


Comment on the article

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More

%d bloggers like this: