EXCLUSIVE and PHOTOs: Esther Arunga’s letter to her PARENTS
EXCLUSIVE and PHOTOs: Esther Arunga’s letter to her PARENTS
ESTHER: MY SINCERE APOLOGY LETTER TO MY PARENTS.
I must address a subject that I have feared and is long overdue. One that is touchy!
My purpose in writing this letter is to tell parents out there what kind of damage they do to their children KNOWINGLY or UNKNOWINGLY when they mistreat their child’s spouse and children. And what kind of damage it does to their relationship with their child and their grandchildren. I do this in the hope that I can prevent this damage from being done to someone else. It is too late for our family.
You want only the best for your children. You want them to grow into adults who are capable of making choices for themselves. This means you need to let them make those choices. This includes whom they fall in love with and decide to marry. Life is a learning experience. If they fail at something, then they will learn a lesson from that experience! You cannot shelter them and expect them to grow at the same time.
Sometimes the choices they make are not the same ones you would choose for them. They are not supposed to be your choices and you need to wish them happiness and be emotionally supportive of them. That means you do not interfere. You do not instigate, you do not demean the spouse, you do not pass right by that child’s house and go onto another child’s–play favorite’s. You give your love and you let the chips fall where they may. The danger is; nowadays should parents force daughters/sons to marry persons against their wishes..they’ll marry to please both their parents, society and church. But in turn, out of wedlock misconducts begin. Because it leads the victims jump off their parents’ chosen spouses cages onto hot frying pans of the people their hearts will chemically vie for. That’s why there’s too much sin even inside the church giving birth to death – AIDS and stone cold souls.
If your child and their spouse love each other and are happy with their relationship and their life together, do not try and find things wrong that just are not there! Be happy for them! It is okay to be wrong! So you never thought you would like the spouse, you never thought they would change into a person you could like! That does not matter, your child is happy and you may be blinded by something you should have let go of a long time ago!
If we daughters are so bad, then why are so many of us silent sufferers at the hands of our parents/parents in-laws? Why do we take the hits that keep on coming? It is because we love those children of others that we bring in your folds…..in laws.
Parents can sometimes force pressure on to their children. A relationship that was supposed to be enjoyable lacks that time to enjoy their youth and turn their united fists in to fighting tools against the hard hitting parents. Challenging relationships can offer some of our most powerful growth opportunities. We shouldn’t end relationships lightly at the pleasure of parents or parents’ in-law, even when they prove difficult, especially because, as we shall see, we must ultimately, at some level, engage with the defense mechanisms most prevalent in our environment. But when we have strongly considered all of our options, applied optimally effective strategies, and still determined that the relationship is highly unlikely to become a healthier one, it is then reasonable to remove ourselves from the situation.
My mothers and fathers out there, if your child and their spouse love each other and are happy with their relationship and their life together, do not try and find things wrong that just are not there! Be happy for them! It is okay to be wrong! So you never thought you would like the spouse, you never thought they would change into a person you could like! That does not matter, your child is happy and you may be blinded by something you should have let go of a long time ago!
Trauma – consisting of several types and originating from personal, family, social, global and environmental sources -has grown so prevalent in many of our human systems that it has become normalized. Events and conditions that significantly diminish our ability to meet our evolved human needs have often come to be perceived as inevitable or even desirable. Thus, the resulting structural changes and defensive behaviors associated with trauma have become pervasive, exerting a profound impact on our lives, our institutions and our planet.
This is why dear Kenyans, it’s been a lengthened battle between this tiny army and you. Whether we like it or not, we belong to one country. We remain children of the same blood and culture. A time reaches when we need to put this foggy filth behind us and move on. Am not expecting everyone to like me for already some were full of hate for “their” own selfish reasons and they know it. I am writing to formally apologize, for all the moments of pain and misery that I might have inadvertently caused you, throughout my formative 2 and a half years. I also take this opportunity to forgive you in each and every trauma you’ve put me through!!!!
I therefore take this opportunity to apologize, for my constant bickering with you my beloved dad and mother (when I wasn’t trying my hardest to ignore you). I realize that you are not the annoying, sociopathic space aliens that I once thought. You are, in fact, quite wonderful wonderful people. Thanks to my husband who tirelessly inserted the positive thinking in to my senses of reason and thought that brought major meaningful senses. Now I reached a decision.
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength which I missed but I can now see sense in it from the age of 13 when they were not there for me till the age of 29. How many years of parental absence? The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder. I hope you understand this and relieve me of this burden. I do confess though that I did not think you liked me in the past 2 years. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. I have therefore decided to put all this bitterness away and forget it for good.
To you my dear mama, I was a mama’s daughter right from the time I remember. All my childhood memories have you in their frames. I learnt to walk erect soon enough, in more ways than one, with your unconditional love and affection. You taught me to be thankful, count my blessings, and learn from my mistakes. I couldn’t let you down. You had the vision to look at our family as a team and strengthen my wings to enable me to take off on my own in my early teens. You gave me all the space I ever needed to grow.
You took our child Sinclair into your arms when the world enjoyed the negative relationship that was between me and you. I chanced to see the joy and tears in your eyes which I missed seeing when I was in your arms. You were willing to learn the ropes of being a mother with me once more and better yourself at it, all over again. You had only yourself to compete with. Hats off to that spirit! Your happiness only increased manifold when I placed my daughter in your arms. You probably felt that the almighty had given you one last chance to work on her in the areas you missed out on, with me. I know for sure that your efforts will bear fruits one day. I know that I shouldn’t have acted like that and that is why I am truly and deeply sorry for making you hurt on both the inside and on the outside, but you must believe me that my love for you will either stay the same or grow to be more because without you my son lacks a grand mother. And it’s reaching a time where your role over him is knocking the door. I am flying back home soon to visit you and make up for the rest personal family matters that I may not discuss here.
To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children. Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others. I am ready to rejoin this family again and fulfill this fruitful epistolary of good times that we did miss in absenteeism.
Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence!! May I be forgiven in the name of Jesus Christ!
PS: You and Dad asked me to quit Karachuonyo constituency as a MP candidate, I request that I discuss that with my husband then I’ll make an announcement in a more mature way!