Monday, June 24, 2024

10 Kenyan online characters on the Internet

With the availability of technology just a click away on smartphones, more and more Kenyans are spending their time online.

They also don’t have to throng cyber cafes like was the case in the past, because even the cheapest of phones has online applications.

But when it comes to people taking refuge online, there are people, and then there are online characters. Here are 10 such you will meet when you become a netizen:

1. The Photo-mondo

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They upload photos every five seconds with inviting captions like, “Scaling heights,” besides over-editing the images to give the impression of living large.

Most are women whose butts have been kicked to the pavement by their lovers, and want to prove a point.

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2.    Hernia than though

These ones are always quoting Bible verses and can’t write 10 words without invoking the name of God. Funny how they have a legion of blind followers hanging on their Old Testament wisdom, but you will be shocked when you detour to their inbox.

They secretly hit, yearning to feast on kondoo ya Mungu and it doesn’t matter if they’re busted!

3. The success fakes

They are ever dressed in official attire; power suits, ties and all that ‘casket attire.’ They post inspiring financial quotes on the relationship between risk and success, besides stuff about ‘emotional intelligence’ and its connection to the ‘80/20 rule’.

This breed also love taking photos in front of fuel guzzlers, which they don’t own. Most of them are usually new recruits into multilevel marketing drivel and want to show off the dividends of global networking!

4. The happily single one

These lone-wolves post long, copy-pasted statuses describing how you don’t need a man to be happy in between impressions of living an absolutely marvellous life.

Once in a while, they rant how married men are flooding their inboxes, just to send jitters to married women. But they’re mostly sad city girls who most of the time cry themselves to sleep after a tissue session with the ‘Girl’s Brigade’ on how their last dates walked out on them.

5. The ‘croppists’

They are mostly women. They upload intimate photos with the dude tactically cropped. It is either her mpango or someone’s hubby and tries to shield herself from public humiliation.

6. The tap-butt brigade

They are always uploading photos of their backsides, accompanied with motivational quotes. It is like they’re telling the world, “I want attention so bad, but eer… I am not a slut!”

7.  The troll

This one is the annoying fella, all over the place pretending to bring logic even to simple jokes. They use pseudo accounts or call themselves weird names to throw people off his scent.

They are either invisible in the real world, probably too short (with a small member), flexing muscles anonymously.

8. The sponsored

It’s a woman of course. She is always in five-star hotels taking photos from all angles. She’s mostly playing in the ‘Sponsors Premier League,’ and has probably commissioned a super highway inside her pants.

9. The ghost

These ones don’t post or comment on anyone’s post but are ever online.  The male version will beg for nudes just two minutes into a conversation.

The female ones, however, is a professional stalker, flipping through profiles of rivals and scrutinising every inch of her former lover’s life. She knows who is hitched or dumped.

10. The blessed few

Their successful lives are well documented online; always posting their achievements and relationship steps. Their social media fans are always the first to know of their engagement or first week of clinic.

Their lives are ever on an upward swing, never down, and they never understand stuff about petitions and boycotts!

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