HUSBANDS WITH ABUSIVE WIVES/IN ABUSIVE MARRIAGES
I have read in this forum about unhappy marriages and women treating their husbands badly.I wish to share my experience and hope both husbands and wives in this forum will learn something from it.
In 1999, my wife and I decided to leave Kenya for the UK. Both of us had come from well-paying jobs. My wife and our two kids left Kenya five months before me. By a strange twist of luck, she had received some advice from her relatives here in the UK and managed to give her case as an asylum and was at a great advantage-as she had been given a three bed flat. I joined her on a student visa.
The wife I had loved and known as respectable since we had met in our 20s at university had changed considerably. She had become very rude and bossy. It seemed as if she was provoking me to start a fight. Sex was once a week AT HER TERMS.
I was making very little money from security and other odd jobs; – compared with her generous money from the government and a part time job she was doing illegally. She demanded that I take more bills than I could and I almost dropped from university. I was not to take alcohol at home or come home drunk-although she herself was drinking like a camel. This was very strange as we had been very happily married for seven years back in Kenya. My wife agreed I had loved and taken good care of her in Kenya, but informed me this was the UK and women had THEIR RIGHTS and advised me that if I was unable to take it, I could leave. When she started cheating, I confronted her. She informed me that she WAS A FREE WOMAN AND THAT IF I WAS UNHAPPY I SHOULD LEAVE. SHE THREATENED TO INFORM THE POLICE THAT I WAS A DANGER TO HER PEACE, PRIVACY AND HAPPINESS.
In June 2001, I decided enough was enough and moved out. IT WAS VERY TOUGH BEING AWAY FORM MY KIDS. I FELT SUICIDAL.
She took advantage denying me access to my kids which was very depressing. She had access to legal support and threatened me on every occasion.
I had to beg to see my kids and at times would arrive and knock at the house only to find my kids with another man. SHE WOULD ADVISE ME SHE HAS A SPECIAL VISITOR AND I SHOULD LEAVE AND TRY MY LUCK ANOTHER DAY. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.
I did the best to be there for my kids enduring humiliation on their birthdays when I found strange men touching my DRUNKEN wife left, right and centre.
She would send me texts informing me of the good things the new man was offering SUCH AS SHOPPING, HOLIDAYS, SEX AND JEWELRY which I couldnt afford. SHE SAID I WAS SO MUCH AN OLD TYPE KIKUYU MAN AND SHE WANTED THE HIGH LIFE FROM A MODERN MAN.
I had despite the odds graduated top of my masters class-out of 57 students. Unknown to me the university had passed my name to a top British company and one day out of the blues received a call asking if wanted to have an interview. I got an amazing job. The company applied for my residence clearance and right to work. It also offered me further training and a chance to travel to many countries including my beloved Kenya. I still travel twice or thrice a month- and hold a senior post with a pay over£150,000-YES BRITISH POUNDS plus bonuses.
With men abandoning her, she started the calls and the texts for us to reconcile arguing that my children-the very ones she didnt want me to see need to move to the area I was now living as it was better and had a better quality of life. When she attempted to use the kids to get me, I went to court. My barrister assured the judge that I wanted my children to move with me so they can have a better and more stable life and also attend a better private school near where I live. The judge agreed on condition that I allow their mother to see them anytime she wanted-which I had no problem with. Divorce was granted in 2009 with shared custody.
I will never forget her face when she first stepped into the house I live in. She went hysterical screaming and crying that the devil had influenced her and she wanted her husband back. She said I was hers and she would have me or NO OTHER WOMAN WOULD. She said there was no way I and the kids could live in such a good house with her remaining in a flat. Luckily the divorce settlement barred from remaining in my house longer than I needed her.
My two children are in senior school and reluctant to stay with their mother arguing that her house is chaotic and disorganised. I take a holiday with them twice a year. I provide financial support for them and their mother to spend time but without me. This will sound unbelievable but I also give her £1000 a month to support herself as she is not doing great financially. I am hoping to remarry when both my kids join university.
MY ADVICE, for those men with abusive wives, stand up and leave. If your wife is treating you badly, insulting you or using sex as a control tool, despite your best effort STAND UP AND LEAVE-TODAY. IT MAY IN THE END BE BETTER FOR ALL OF YOU.
I am grateful and confident to say these words that a happy marriage is good if it happens but dont STAND IDLY AND TAKE ABUSE. LEAVE NOW-TODAY.
For wives treat your husband as you wish as bwana Waiganjo said here a week ago. FOR HUSBANDS if you have a loving wife, support and love them and be faithful. I assure you if you are blameless, it will always work for YOU. I am happier and have kept the most important thing-the relationship with my kids.
Financially I am very sorted-both here and in Kenya. What more would I ask for.
If you think I am bragging, please do. Its been a journey and i hope my experience will inspire those in abusive and unhappy marriages TO STAND UP AND LEAVE.