The Best of 2012’s A-Z of The Kenyan Facebookers

Below is her piece, titled, “What Kind of A Facebooker Are You?”

I am a certified facebook addict, well at least at home…if am not on my phone am on the computer and even my big siz thinks I need to visit a shrink (and she said it in her matrimonial voice…not good). In a bid to beat this addiction I decided to do a survey…and here are the A-Z of my discovery…

A
Aunty Tabby
Most of us sure do remember aunt Tabby’s column on Young Nation. She was the trusted aunt to whom we ran with our adolescence troubles…and on facebook we have our very own aunt Tabby’s. we run to them in secret (read inbox0and pour out our hearts to them and as usual they have sound advice for us. If you are one of these, all I can say is bless you for helping us face this tricky days of socio-economic and political upheaval. I can bet my HELB loan on the fact that they are among the few facebookers who go down on their knees every night to say a prayer for the troubled souls!
Al Shabaab
This group cannot be further removed from the aunt Tabbys’, like the name suggests, they are troublemakers. They thrive in issuing threats left, right and centre. If you receive an inbox from them you contemplate deactivating your account for they will certainly not have any kind words for you. All I can tell you is loosen up and you will realize that the world is not responsible for your woes.
B
Braggarts
Trust this group to blow their own trumpets. They will shout of their achievements to anyone who cares to listen. It’s okay to let us know you have made a major milestone in life but it is also wise to talk about other things once in awhile as this shows you care about something else other than yourself.
Boxers
Okay, I admit it really will make your mind run wild but if you truly know me, you know it has nothing to do with what you are thinking about ;-) but a group of facebookers who have made inbox their life calling. They will inbox you and even inbox groups that they are members of…but the truth is we all love them besides who doesn’t love logging in and seeing inbox (1)… I know I doJ.
Business refined
I think am particularly drawn to this group, I mean the business acumen they exude is just intoxicating. They are the ones we look up to know how the NSE is performing and whether it is wise to invest in it. You will wake up to Warren Buffet’s business quotes and sleep to Robert Kiyosaki’s business principles courtesy of these future Chris Kirubis’.

BASH-MENt Crew
Trust this group of girls, ladies and women not to spare a kind word for the men. They are the current day Wangu wa Makeri. What they sure don’t disappoint in is a good laugh that is if you are a fellow skirt bearer but if you are the species from mars, all you can walk away saying is that indeed… HELL HAS NO FURY…
C
CIA
Yes your guess is as good as mine… they are the ones who will make it their business to investigate on any of your friends suspicious activities and warn you of impending danger that only they seem to see. Love them or hate them but their skills are just amazing which could put our CID to shame.
Cupid’s Victims
Trust them to be in love all year round and you will not be spared on the happy times they enjoy, hitting you with photos, love notes and exclusive updates directed to the objects of their love…woe unto you if your favorite column in the dailies is the LONELY HEARTS… to ease your pain lemmi say “I LOVE YOU”…LOL
D
Dear Diary
I need not ask them their schedule, all I need is access to their account and I can ‘accidentally’ bump into them. We know when they come in and go out (pun intended), we know when they cry and when a smile forms on their lips…when they laugh and even when they choke on the pain in them. simply put, we know all their business and it sure feels good to know a friend that well especially if you have never met in person. It feels like you have known them all your life…aaaaw…that’s so sweet.
D 
Drum
Like the drum magazine, they never disappoint when it comes to celeb gossip. They know everything there is to know in the cellebville and trust them to make sure you keep up to date as well…kwani how did I know that DNG was no longer a brother if you know what I mean.
E
English Teacher
I am tempted to call them Miss Kimani…but then I remember we were not all in my primary school. Okay you got an A in English and to you spelling is a matter of life and death but I got news flash for you, this is facebook and not a composition book to keep on marking my grammar or lack of it. All the same you sure will make excellent editors if you keep to it.

Equations
I admit that this is probably the smartest group of people on facebook. Their updates and comments are like some mathematical equations that must be solved to get the value of that elusive x. you are doomed if you take theirwordss at face value for you will be their laughing stock. It is safe not to comment on their updates especially if you can’t remember your high school math teacher’s name. keep up the smart trend, I DON’T THINK WE WOULD MIND A SECOND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
F

Food Store
To them they live to eat and not the vice versa. They will never fail to remind you it is time for a meal. They go ahead to invite you to all the bashes with a great emphasis on the food that will be served. One thing I would love to remind them is that obesity is a real threat in our country today and so is malnutrition, so please be a bridge to solve the two by indulging less and sharing more.
G 
Glue
It is sticky and makes sure that things are connected and so does this group. They tag you in anything taggable (oops…is there such a word) on facebook. From pics to notes they will ensure that you stick to them and a price you will pay are the numerous notifications you will receive…a small price for the beautiful tags…hahaha
H
Halleluiah massive
A praise a day keeps the devil away seems to be their mantra, and a praiseworthy one at that. This group will easily put a smile on your face with their attitude of gratitude. They have no time to sulk and with each update, their hearts shout praise to the Almighty. If we all learnt a thing or two from these amazing darlings we would be smiling a little more and crying a little less. To my sweethearts, I know your lives are not perfect either but keep up the praise you lift many souls you know….mwaaah.
I
I Want To Know You More…
Like phantoms, they hover online and once you log in, up pos the question. Need I say more…hahahaha
Innocent
They are amazing at how they have managed to keep unadultratated in this day and age. They are most certainly in awe about one thing or the other…expressing their shock at the unimaginable they witness in life (must be facebook mainly…lol). My two cents to them is to just keep away from facebook and back into that safe cocoon they were in. 
J
Jilted Lovers
You wake up to their whines about a love gone sour. In fact they wash their dirty laundry in public to the chagrin of many. It is common for them to solicit your arbitration skills if you are a mutual friend and you will be that proverbial shoulder while at it. I know you may have had your whole future tied to the person but hey, they have probably moved on already so pick up the pieces and ass you will certainly know a time comes when you have… TO LET GO AND LET GOD!!!
Just for laughs
Crazy cannot start to describe these facebookers, and that makes me wonder where they were during the top comic auditions. They have a way of looking at life that will certainly leave you in stitches gasping for dear breathe. To them life is not to be taken too seriously coz after all none of us will come out alive. I think these should hook up with the Al Shabaab so that they help them to laugh more and threaten less. To you my Kenyan Dave Chappelles…hahahahahahahahaha….
K
Karaoke
I can bet they are the same people with the croakiest voices just like me, and in a bid to make up for the lack of musicality; they will treat you to lyrics of a wide variety of songs and especially the new releases. They sure do help most of us who hear things far from the truth…in the spirit of karaoke please tag me in the NMG anniversary song…”we can make it me and you…owey owey”(am serious, please one karaoke king or queen tag me)
L
Lonely Hearts
I keep wondering why the jilted lovers just can’t look up the lonely hearts and save us all the agony of people desperately asking for pretend dates. I know singlehood can at times get lonely but these are just at another level. You can almost feel their pain and agony as they recount their lonely lives. But truth be told, if you can’t enjoy your own company no man or woman by your side will make you any happier just love yourself enough to enjoy the sound of your voice and heartbeat and you will turn into a magnet spoilt for choice. Your lonely self will be a thing of the past.
M
Moneybags
You know there are people who talk about money (read braggarts) and those who actually have the money. These guys don’t talk about it but from their refined mannerisms on facebook you bet they have it all. I love to think myself in this group…oh no I just talked about it…lol. Keep up the class and maybe most of us will learn a thing or two from you.
Makmende
I just had to bring in our superhero and you sure bet that these people are out to be superheroes. They are ready to come to the rescue in one situation or the other. Once they check out the updates, they single out the distreshish ones and get to work. They inbox you to see if there is anything they can do including dealing with those who are causing you the agony. Our knights in shining amour, please know we love you but we at times need to fight our own battles…hope makmende won’t be mad I used his name bila permission.
N
Neon Light
You sure bet they are on and off on facebook but trust those to have an inner beauty that most of us can only dream about. They always have something beautiful to say once they decide to make their appearance. Woiye pliz…be more frequent on facebook we are in dire need of those beautiful words that leave our hearts warm.
O
One Eighty Degrees
They will stern you with their versatility. They are comforta ble with any topic their hearts connives. They can easily print unprintables and then update a whole Bible passage at the snap of your finger. Their unpredictability makes you wary of their comments for they are not afraid to say anything but they sure do make great conservationists. 
P
Pathway
These are just the way to where you want to go. With links as their fav pastime on facebook, they will easily help you to link to so many sites. I know many bridges are underappreciated but today I say big up to the pathways for opening our eyes to the many other functions (sites) of the internet other than facebook!

Preachers
Did I hear an amen… and you better for their updates and everything they do are very inspiring Bible verses, passages and even sermons. They are not afraid to stand for the truth they believe in and for this I salute them. Not many of us want to be associated with the church especially with the green and red colours now bearing new meanings but these facebookers sure do know their Bible and to that I say to whom much is given much is expected. God has blessed you with much so give as much… preach it sista/brada.
Peter Marangi
Had this group been none existent, Mark Zuckerburg (btw he is the genius behind facebook), would have removed the wall from the features of facebook. These people sure do a good job of coloring our walls with beautiful words. They ensure that the Marangi legacy lives on with no wall being devoid of colour. Please do attend Dura coat school of experts and come teach us too how to turn plain walls into a work of art especially for other people.
Q
Questionnaires
You thought q is a hard letter to work with? well not so hard when you remember that friend who always has a query. From their updates to inboxes and wall to walls, they are all questions. Like a questionnaire, they never run dry on something they need clarification on. With such a hunger to learn, Kenya’s future sure is bright.
PS: keep sending me your queries coz they sure do make me feel like a genius!
R
Realists
Trust them to hand it to you as it is. If you are pissing them off they will tell you off without mincing their words and if your photo is just an eye sore they will tell you exactly that and not in your inbox but on your wall. They at times come across as callous but us all need a reality check once in a while and they sure do that. Tell us as it is dears and maybe just maybe you may be the next Dr. phil.

S
Snitch
Our brothers and sisters in this group will tell on you and you know the usual statement…this is a secret between the two of us please don’t tell anyone else… seriously by now you should know that hakuna siri ya watu wawili and so when I tell you something in confidence don’t tell even if your life depends on it… But as my class two boyfriends would say “sawa tu, Mungu amekuona”. 
Snoop
Apparently they are the most dormant facebookers that there is but do not be fooled by their lack of updates and commenting on other people’s updates, these have all the facebook activities on their fingertips. They know everything that is going on but will never comment to give the impression that they have overcome the power of facebook. They check out your profile and even check out your friends after all they don’t have comments to reply to. It is okay to check out but be careful lest you be confused for a stalker.
Socrates
May the lord rest His soul… this is one of the greatest philosophers who ever lived and even today philosophy is very much part of us thanks to our facebook Socrates. They always something smart to say. To know one, just check out your friends quotes…while you have probably put a Bible verse, they have Li Quan quotes. To them let us all say…MAY PHILOSOPHY LIVE ON…after all future generations need quotes.
Suicide Bomber
They thrive in creating a rumour after the other and will gladly do it again even if they go down with the rmour as well. Like suicide bombers, they believe they are on a cause and woe unto you if you are the target, they will take you down as they die as well. For real we need you but to deal with the Al Shabaab who are threatening our facebook peace…and there will be a handsome prize for a job well done!
T
Thumbs Up
Just hold up your thumb to this group…they sure do enjoy the like feature on facebook. They not only like your updates even if you are having a headache but do also like all your activities. Wahu Wainaina is now friends with Hana Jina and there is thumbs up liking this and the funny thing is that we don’t have any mutual friends betweenHana Jina and thumbs up. Please do take care lest your thumb becomes deformed!!!
U 
Uploaders
You thought you are photogenic, wait till you meet the uploaders. They seem to have more pics on facebook than the number of friends they have. Every day they treat you to a new side of them (photographically speaking) and you most probably easilyrecognise them if you met with them for the first time. Two words “DON’T STOP”…how else do you think I pass my time on facebook when ‘activity’ is slow? I check out you pics…tihitihi
V 
Vigilante
This is a group that causes mayhem on facebook and am on the opinion that they know something about the PEV. They are out to defend their interests whatever they may be. Should your tongue oops fingers slip and threaten their position, they will cause an uprising. With such passion and aggression, I have booked you for my 2017 campaigns.
Vaccine
These are out to warn you of any wrong action and as such help you evade trouble before it befalls you. They warn you of anything that will cause you harm. At times we feel that they are clogging our space but these sure do keep us safe from our own ignorance…thank you mums and dads.
W
Wannabe
Do I really need to explain…?
Well-wishers
The only thing they seem to do is pass their best wishes to people. Be it a birthday wish, valentines, madaraka, a graduation, a new born, a new job and even a new house. The best part is that in times of loss they will also be there to send their condolences. Thanks for reminding us of all the things we should celebrate in life.
X
X –rated
Yea, I managed an x. there is no way of describing this groupwitout being misquoted so what I will do is let you figure it on your own, but you may need parental guidance…lol.
Y 
Yearbooks
They seem to know the whereabouts of all your 200 plus former classmates. Considering that only about 90 are on facebook, they sure do a pretty good job. Please keep up and when we get jobos you will help us contact them all for a reunion so that we relive those old good days (by the way why are only old days the good ones??)
Z
Zealots
These according to the dictionary are people who are really passionate about something and lucky you (or is it unlucky) when they get passionate about you. They will comment on anything and everything that concerns you even if it is a week after. I don’t think any of us minds having a zealot coz afteral you make us feel good especially if no one else is commenting…and on that note may my zealots come out strongly and comment on this note…hahaha. I just had to do that.

My main aim was to put a smile on your face and celebrate diversity on facebook coz without any of these groups and some many more facebook would not be as lovely as it is… I love you all my dear friends, you make facebook worthwhile in other words you turned me into the facebook junkie that I am…lolest!

Source:ghafla.co.ke