Ladies and gentlemen, it is Las Vegas Rugby Season again. The season where every Kenyan in the Diaspora is suddenly a rugby fan and a very patriotic Kenyan. We forget our tribal allegiances and petty politics and mesh into a symbiotic melting pot of Kenyan pride. Kenyan flags have been ordered. Kenyan branded clothing has been dusted from the bottom of the dressers and flight tickets are being researched avidly. There is a lot of hype surrounding Las Vegas from Kenyans. It normally revolves around the shenanigans that happen starting from the Stadium and peeking at the evening activities at the clubs. In Vegas you get to meet very interesting types of people. I’ve recently been contemplating the very interesting types of women I have met in Las Vegas over the last 6 years of Rugby Sevens. In this respect, I have broken them into 7 different types of Women you will meet this year. I expect that there will be some very interesting reactions to this lakini this is just the truth broken down. Here we go.
1. Liz with Amnesia
You are sure to run into Liz with Amnesia this year at Tropicana and also at PH. You see the reason I call her Liz with Amnesia is because Liz has suddenly developed memory loss the minute her flight landed at McCarran International Airport. Liz with Amnesia has forgotten that she had a wedding about 4 years ago. I know because I was one of the Kenyans who changaad for the pre-wedding. We toiled for 7 months holding meetings, drinking bad tea, coming up with ideas on how to scavenge dollars from our friends so Liz can marry Davy in style. We all went to her wedding remember? It’s the one where they played a video at the church ceremony showing their glowing love, his surprise engagement…and their happy, never to diminish union. They even popped a few babies in the last 4 years. But Liz is acting like none of that pomp and fan-fair ever happened. While Davy is left in Minnesota changing diapers, Liz’s wedding ring has disappeared at the bottom of her suit case, and she is freely sharing goodies that belong to Davy from Minnesota to team mafisis from Dallas and DC. Because Liz is a highly paid mid-level manager in corporate America, she can afford to pay for her own drinks plus drinks for the jamaa she met at the check in line at Bellagio. So as I watch Liz frolicking freely with team mafisi, Davy is texting my phone. He’s very anxious because Liz is not answering her phone. I tell Davy, that I haven’t seen her. I know. I just lied. But how do I break the news to him that his wife Liz anapatiana vitu ovyo ovyo? By the end of this weekend Liz with Amnesia will be healed at the airport and call Davy her husband and tell him, “pole dear, I lost my phone and the valet guy found it this morning. I can’t wait to see you, I’ve missed you!” To all you Lizes out there, God is watching and so is team mafisi.
2. Christine the magician
This one is a very interesting creature. You will soon see why I call her Christine the Magician. You see my friend, after paying for her flight with Spirit Airlines for $78*, Christine arrived in Las Vegas with only $20 and no hotel room. During this 4 day weekend, Christine the Magician will be well fed, she will pop bottles in the club and will have slept in every hotel room on the strip also commonly known as South Las Vegas Boulevard. Christine the Magician has researched all her male facebook friends and knows who filed his taxes and actualy got a tax return. She has friended all the Kenyan truck drivers.You see she knows which Kenyan truck driver just dropped a load in New York the week prior and now has a fat paycheck to spend. She inboxes Njoroge on faceebook, “Hi Njoro! Unaenda Vegas?” Of course Njoro says he is going to Vegas. During the course of the 4 day weekend Christine will useher God given assets and the silver tongue of the devil to pay her way through Vegas. You have to admit it takes a different level of sorcery to go to Vegas with $20 and still party like a rockstar. You will know you have met Christine when you both order drinks from the waiter and when the bill comes she crosses her arms and looks at you. Hapo umeshikwa. Just finish your drink, take her to your room for due compensation and move on. Christine the magician is also community property, wrap it up!
3. Janet the Miser.
Not much to say about Janet the Miser. Janet is a blue balls inducer. You will wine and dine her, pay for her room, pay for her friends drinks at the club yet by night 2, she has completely refused to give up the goodies. You even fed her nyama choma. nyama choma! in Vegas! you know how hard it is to find mutura in Vegas! Janet the miser is every man’s nightmare. Night one she will be “too drunk”, night 2 she’s “too tired” and by night 3 her period suddenly showed up. Run kijana! Run!
4. Lucy and her four sisters
Lucy and her four sister friends have pledged to keep each other” accountable”. They will go to great lengths to make sure team mafisi does not break the impenetrable fortress. They will book a hotel room together. Yes, 5 chicks in 1 hotel room with only 2 beds. I once went to a room full of Lucy and her four sisters. I think they were from Atlanta. They were a bevy of beauties I tell you! A quick reconnaissance of the situation quickly told me that this was a waste of time and these girls were just kicking tires. The only way to break down this fortress was to do a divide and conquer and my wingman was nowhere to be found. The only hope was to get sister friends 1 and 3 drunk so while2 and 4 are checking on their welfare, you can slip away with 5. I know. Too much work, too little time and too many other prospects. Just move on.
5. Deer in the headlights Wanjiru.
This one here is funny yet tragic. Soooo….Wanjiru broke the number 1 rule about Vegas. Couples should not come here together. Things usually don’t end up well. You see Wanjiru has been wearing the pants in the house with Kamau back home in Delaware. Kamau normally takes his abuse like a proper Kikuyu man from Nyeri especially since Wanjiru sponsored him for his makaratasi aka green card. You see my friend, kamau just got his green card in the mail on Wednesday prior to coming to Vegas, He hasn’t even told Wanjiru. He has been tight lipped about the recent developments. So wanjiru continues to manhandle Kamau up until that plane lands at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas. The reason I call her “Deer in the headlights Wanjiru”, is because since they checked into their room, at Buruburu phase 4 house 307 aka Monte Carlo 4th floor room 307, she cannot locate Kamau. Her boyfriend has gone MIA! Meanwhile Kamau and his greencard have been sighted at PH, and has been partying with his Luo friends at Lavington aka Tropicana. His Luo friends are slowly rebuilding his self esteem. Kamau realized that he don’t have to take Wanjiru’s shit anymore. Wanjiru is stunned to see Kamau in the lovely arms of Marcella Brownsuga from DMV. Marcella shows kamau that you can be treated with respect especially if you are paying the tab. Wanjiru cannot believe this is happening to her, so she’s left with a deer in the headlights type look as Kamau waves his greencard with impunity.
6. Caro
This woman is the paragon of beauty. Her smooth curves eclipses all the mamas from stato especially the ones from Kansas. Caro cannot be bribed by drinks or a cheap hotel room. You see Caro is unapologetically loyal to her man, she came to kunywa, have fun and show off those designer clothes that her DJ boyfriend from Cali bought her. If you see Caro, don’t even bother to shake her hand. Hauwesmake. It s fruitless effort. It will be the Battle of Stalingrad, where the Nazi Germany suffered heavy losses to the Soviet Union. You will not make it my friend. Just accept your loss and move on, she is incorruptible. In fact just buy Caro’s boyfriend a drink in respect of his conquest. There are plenty of prospects to go around usijali.
7. Alice the drunk
Alice is normally a very polite chick. She does not drink much..until she comes to Vegas. Gai fafa! Suddenly she discovers alcohol. Alice will wake up drinking at the hotel, go to the stadium, drink some more, go to the hotel at 7 pm…drink some more, showers and goes to the club where she will be sloppily dancing on the dance floor. At some point, a very nice gentleman from DC or Dallas will escort her to his room…you know, so she can recuperate. Alice the drunk will not know where she is when she wakes up. He friends are looking for her. Her phone has 22 missed calls and 13 texts..some from her boyfriend. Alice the Drunk will do the walk of shame in her evening dress to PH where she will..you guessed it , drink some more. At some point someone suggests that Alice should go change, its already 4pm. So Alice the drunk stumbles to her room, washes her ass and prepares for another night. When she is headed to the airport, and is sobering up, she finally realizes that she fucked vibaya. There are pictures of her everywhere. Her boyfriend woun’t even pick up her calls. Her friends are asking if she is okay. reputation murdered. liver destroyed. 3 months later..she takes a pregnancy test.
So there you have it. The 7 types of Kenyan women that come to Vegas. This list has come from years of experience. I should start charging you guys for my consulting services. Either way, I wish everyone a safe Vegas experience, please don’t get arrested in Vegas. No one will bail you out!
-josephkaroki.wordpress.com
