Diaspora Shattered Dreams: Divorce a little taste of outside love has blown the whole thing

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Diaspora Shattered Dreams: Divorce a little taste of outside love has blown the whole thing

Divorce is the complete opposite of marriage as it is never announced in places of worship,neither celebrated, but rather ENDING in nasty shouting and endless name calling mostly in closed doors and if not controlled, can escalate to even death.

That time there will be no maid of honor or the best-man in your wedding to witness the separation,and many separate violently but the pain is at times too much to bear especially if it happens when the children are young.

The one time pomp and elegance ceremony ending in distress and tears of pain is a strange tale hard to write but all the same life is not a bed of roses and even the best roses have thorns.

It gets worse for there are no parents, or relatives, or even reliable friends to comfort the most affected and it can be a traumatizing experience especially to those with inexplicable beliefs of hanging to the end to save an already shattered relationship.

In our continuous series of shattered dreams we reached out to the many Diaspora couples that have separated or gone through full divorce proceedings and found out that 60% were infidelity related issues and mostly brought about by the men and women whom we can simply term as weak and sick minds.

The other 20% were sexual affection issues 10% were alcohol related 10% was as a result of not being sincere to each other by way of secret sexting, discrete phone calls and sending money home in Kenya without the other party being made aware of.

The sick minds factor was the saddest of them all as that category was mostly those working in hospitals and may have fallen trap to the rich or handsome/ beautiful work mate. In that category where the lady is the victim, most of them end up being more financially stable than before and with some even purchasing homes.

John (not his name)narrated to the writer in tears how he would see his wife off to work every Friday and she would be working all night but he later discovered that the type of work she was eager to go to was elsewhere.

The hospital entrance was where the wife would be dropped and she would go through to the other side of the parking lot and a car would be waiting and off to work elsewhere the whole night and part of the day.

The sad thing was that John would pick her up at the very spot he had dropped her the previous night and in full uniform.

It had gone on like that for two years until one day he was tipped by a friend and found out the disturbing truth for himself. A truth that could have even landed him to jail for he was prepared to harm the man that was behind his troubles but finally opted to separate.

He was a devoted man to his family and the episode almost led him to commit suicide but he somehow watched a Christian movie that gave him strength as he sadly narrated and just moved on to another state to start all over.

The good thing is that his kids were all grown and able to manage on their own.

We cannot write all stories as they are all similar and somehow sick minds were behind all the three separations we gathered information.

There was a sad case though where a man was divorced by a lady after a motor accident and he had to return home to Kenya only to miserably die a few years later. The kids were traumatized and one eventually committed suicide.

We contacted several people to give views why there are so many divorce cases in USA compared to Kenya but unlike marriage the response was not much just like we earlier said divorce is not a thing to talk about as it has sad memories.

However we gathered a few comments and we will post them as they appeared in the group.

Nelly Wiggings a tax consultant had this to say:

The biggest problem in marriage that cause divorce is communication and being so controversial and unwilling to compromise.

Nancy Njoroge a nutritionist had this to say

Extra-marital affairs are responsible for the breakdown of most marriages that end in divorce.

This is one of the most common causes of divorce. … Anger and resentment are common underlying reasons for cheating, along with differences in sexual appetite and lack of emotional intimacy.

We called a man who wanted to remain anonymous who gave his view as to why there are many divorce cases and though not convincing he only mentioned the minji minji factor (green peas factor) if it will make sense to anyone.

Susan Wambui an inspiring writer from Werner Robins gave some good observations.

Different dynamics affect different demographics when it comes to divorce.

There are the common factors like: poor communication, being ill prepared to get married hence failing to know the way out when there’s a problem.

Am thinking of this:instead of children being taught sex education, why not teach them how to behave in the safe environment of marriage, where sex belongs?

The free concept of sex b4 marriage has a big part to play in the divorce rate.

Failing to take the marriage institution seriously may be because people are not even prepared and not compatible in the first place.

Failure to care for and respect one another – taking one another for granted. Power struggles.

Infidelity and lack of trust, borne of lack of honesty.

Assuming that the grass is greener on the other side and failing to reason that the fact the same is greener is because somebody somewhere took good care of it.

I was surprised to know that the late Margaret Thatcher used to make breakfast for her husband,not withstanding her social status.

Pressures of work,money, Unresolved baggage, Poor dispute resolution where partners attack one another over trivial things instead of attacking the problem as a team,sometimes leading to domestic violence.

Neglect of duties and instead of the relationship being symbiotic it becomes one sided. The party contributing more eventually gets tired.

There is the more recent problem of gender identity, where people prefer same sex marriages, and this leads to divorce.

All in all I think it’s way too easy to get married and divorced in the USA (Nevada).

The stringent checks and balances in many other societies have safeguarded the institution. In some societies divorce is not even an option.

The safety net is getting into marriage prayerfully, seriously, and fighting to stay married as much as is possible.

 As the book of Proverbs says:… “a wise woman builds her own house but the foolish destroys it with her own hands”.

Maybe there’s something to be learnt from Hillary Clinton, Mrs. Thatcher or from baby boomers many of whom have been married for years.

Most of them will be quick to advise that marriage takes more than love – it’s lots of hard work,dedication, accepting to lose an argument to keep the peace (and marriage),considering the other person first and also thinking of the children.

It takes many valuable nuggets to thread and seal the hole of divorce that keeps threatening to engulf marriages.

It takes team effort,as well as utilizing the available societal resources to keep that fabric tight at all times.

Reverend Wambui the Philanthropist from South Georgia had more to say:

It takes a lot of issues to break a marriage among the main contributors…Communication, Finances, Issues of intimacy+(marital infidelity), incompatibility, chronic illness, and lots of family issues, including sending, money home and buying, plots…inequality in finances where the woman earns more than the man.

 Divorce affects children, teenagers, young adults and all family members different. If anyone is going through their own transition like pre adolescent, then parents divorce imagine how that increases the stress.

0bviously it negatively affects the teenager more.

Since the family is a system what affects one person will have a far reaching impact on all individuals in that relationship.

Indeed its harder in Diaspora due to lack of extended family support to help buffer the impact, not just for family members,but also for the divorcing couple.

Remember in divorce, we are all forced to take sides. No one can remain neutral. You have to side with one couple and let the other go.

In Diaspora we lack inbuilt mechanisms to handle most stressful events. Most of us may not know how to help either.

 It’s like there is nowhere to go, no one seems to understand and no one to talk to. We thought coming to America shelters us from life issues, but no. It just got tough.

Intentions of divorce are whispered.

And that’s important in order to preserve children and the couple even after divorce.

The community tends, over analyze or negatively view families in distress.

One way to process personal sensitive issues is to involve, trustworthy people. Everyone may not need to handle a couple’s sensitive information.

But when divorce is final two things will happen: A. In Kenya it is (1) Gazetted.

After the divorce it will be tough but Pastor Mukuria had some advice before Proceeding

When you are going through something hard and wonder where GOD is, remember the teacher is always quiet during a test. Trust the lord!

Once all avenues are exhausted then the option is to divorce for both parties to be at ease and the process in America is not as explicit as in Kenya for all you have to do is to get an attorney and all is easy going if there is no dispute.

Filing a divorce in US

  1. Do you have any grounds to file the Divorce.
  2. Is it a contested Divorce or mutually agreed
  3. Find out the Laws that Govern Divorce in your State. …
  4. File the Court Documents. …
  5. Serve the Papers to your partner
  6. Agree on a date for hearing convenient to both

A legal divorce in America usually begins with the husband or wife hiring a lawyer.

 An attorney is trained to handle the time-consuming work of bargaining a plan for child support, alimony, custody and property division with a client’s spouse or the spouse’s lawyer.

However, a lawyer is not necessary in every divorce. In situations with no children, little property and spouses who are in agreement on the divorce, the matter can be handled in a local court with a minimum of paperwork and money. Either way, filing for divorce in the U.S. calls for several basic steps.

Many couples that moved to US but were married by Kenyan courts may face handles as divorce granted by US courts can be voided by Kenyan courts as here under:

IT CAN HAPPEN IN USA BUT IT COULD STILL BE BINDING IN KENYA

NAIROBI: The High Court has declared that one cannot divorce in a foreign country, but remain married in the native land.

Justice William Musyoka declined to lift a divorce order that was issued by a US court,noting that it is binding locally.

The judge turned down a prayer to save a broken marriage between two Kenyans who were ordered to part ways by a court in Florida.

He said that although they were married in Kenya and moved to the US where they divorced, the orders by the foreign court apply here.

“I cannot proceed as if the order does not exist. It binds me in view of the very clear provisions of section 9 of the Civil Procedure Act, Cap 21, Laws of Kenya, on the effect of foreign judgments,” the judge ruled.

Magdaline and Phillip (not real names) were married here in Kenya under customary law. They moved to the US in 1992, but their marriage hit the rocks, which prompted the court in Florida to dissolve it after 10 years.

However, Magdaline was not satisfied with that decision and she filed a case before the magistrate’s court in Kenya (dealing with family matters) seeking to quash orders by the US-based court on account that it could not dissolve customary marriages contracted in Kenya.

The magistrate threw out Magdaline’s case, prompting her to file an appeal before High Court. Judge Musyoka said he could not entertain the appeal.

“The appellant sought to persuade the court that the decree of the Florida court ought not to be recognized in Kenya. The provisions of the Foreign Judgments(Reciprocal Enforcement) Act were cited in that regard. It was suggested that foreign judgments in matrimonial causes are not recognized in Kenya. That cannot be the correct position,” said the judge.

“I have not been persuaded that the Florida court had no jurisdiction to entertain the matter. Consequently, the order in question is an order of a court of competent jurisdiction. It is valid and binding, unless it is set aside, reversed or varied by the court which made it or by a higher court on appeal. The court, which made the order, declined to vacate it or vary it. There is no evidence that a higher court in US has interfered with it,” judge Musyoka ruled.

Magdaline’s argument was that Florida court, on the basis of consent, had dissolved the marriage, yet under Kenyan law marriage, by consent, is not recognized.

The judge noted that Magdaline had contracted two other marriages following the fallout with Phillip and she had filed another case here in Kenya to facilitate division of their matrimonial property.

Her lawyer argued that if the Kenyan court lifted the orders made by the Florida one, it would mean that the couple would be divorced in the US but remain married Kenya.

“Such a scenario would suggest that the parties would be forced to file for divorce whenever they changed jurisdictions,” judge Musyoka heard.

The woman was ordered to pay the cost of the suit to her ex-husband.

All in all Divorce is the most difficult time in ones life and even after the same is granted, it becomes even more complicated if you have kids for they cannot understand how life ended that way.

Majority of the kids get affected temporally and some swearing never to go through such an experience and will certainly avoid any serious courtship for a while until they get over it which can take many years.

IS DIVORCE SOMETHING THAT CAN BE AVOIDED THROUGH COUNSELING

Many have succeeded to quash divorce through counseling especially where one or both parents are involved and such marriages survive but in most cases, divorce is inevitable especially if there is a case of infidelity.

If its money issues or simple family nagging quarrels, counselors can come in handy as they are trained to handle such cases.

We had a word with a family counselor and she told us that she advice couples not to keep their quarrels to themselves but rather to share with friends relatives or your local pastors.

There are cases where even ladies share through whatsapp and in some instances marriages have survived due to advice given in those forums.

She further advised that alcohol will not solve your marital problems like many result to consoling themselves that they will forget, but the same just worsen things.

She advised working extra hours or visiting friends can at least relieve stress but if all avenues are exhausted and the marriage is destined to harming each other which at times is the case, for heaven sake go your separate ways before it happens.

The best approach will be to formally separate or do a proper divorce proceeding with some arrangements that will not affect the children.

You will then be prepared to proceed to that dock to wait for the judge decision.  A very trying moment as both minds may drift back to that day of the wedding but it will be too late for that time you will certainly be knowing that the kisses, the rings you exchanged, the vows you made and the expected happiness thereafter not to mention some other intimacy moments,…. nothing but a distant illusion and never again a reality.

To those that divorce due to infidelity shame will be haunting them as they sit on that dock knowing very well that Millie Jackson  will not be there to help them sing……….a little taste of outside love has blown the whole thing.

D.K. GITAU

PRESIDENT

Diaspora Messenger columnist and contributor

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